I haven’t posted recently because I’ve been in a funk. I went to the eye doctor – the Optometrist actually – two weeks ago. He stormed into the exam room and read me the riot act about missing my annual appointment last year and giving me a long, STERN lecture about me going blind. WTF? Last time I saw you, fella, you told me that my elevated eye pressures were caused by my freakishly thick corneas, and now you’re in my ass preaching about my “glaucoma”. WTF again?
That’s right. “Thick corneas.” Apparently, even my fucking eyes are fat. I digress.
I was so stunned that I could only stutter and stare with my crack-dilated eyes and then I HAD to ask…
“Um. You probably don’t know that I’m allergic to dogs. Could I train a seeing-eye cat?”
He failed to share my gallows humor. Seriously though, glaucoma at 44? Who does this happen to? I asked, of course, for a referral to an Opthmologist (i.e. a REAL DOCTOR with a sense of humor who didn’t get his degree in the Caribbean) and then headed to my favorite organic market.
I stumbled down the aisle toward vitamins and supplements wearing those big black glasses you get when your eyes are dilated and approached the herbal guru for some assistance looking more than a little like a fat, white female Stevie Wonder. “Raul” pulled out his big herbal medicine books and we settled in at the counter to do a little research on
I’m 44 and there’s no WAY I’m going BLIND! glaucoma. After we determined the best course of supplements, Raul informed me that people with glaucoma should abstain from alcohol, cigarettes and caffeine. I looked at Raul with tears welling in my “Are you on meth-dilated eyes”, and said, “You have just stolen all the joy from my life.”
And then he pushed the book in front of me. “Well, there IS this,” he smiled…
“Glaucoma increases pressure in the eyeball, which can lead to vision loss. Smoking marijuana reduces pressure in the eyes. Your doctor can prescribe other medications to treat glaucoma, but these can lose their effectiveness over time.”
Really? I gave up dope decades ago, and now it’s a viable medical solution?
I am not looking forward to going blind, but I am really excited to get high and take my seeing-eye cat for a walk.