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I love my neighbors.  Not that crazy cow around the corner (look up “heifer” in Webster’s and you’ll find her picture), but my Bunco girls.  Once a month, this lively group of ladies piles into each other’s homes for a night of wine and chit-chat under the premise of the dice game “Bunco.”  For those unfamiliar with the game, it’s a bit like Yahtzee and would take no more than 15 minutes for me to play start-to-finish with the Princess.  However, plied with alcohol and nonstop talk of our lives, it takes us no less than two and half hours just to get through the dice portion of the evening. WHEN we actually play at all, that is.  The MOST fun comes from our “Goodie Bag”.  The hostesses get to choose a  theme for the evening’s festivities and each participant brings a small gift in keeping with that idea.  At the end of the night, one name is drawn and the winner gets all the loot.

Sometimes the theme is obvious – “Valentine’s Day”, “Trick or Treat”, etc.  Last night we celebrated “New Year.  New You.”  Gifts ranged from a mud mask facial and tooth whiteners to douches, backscrubbers and the kinds of items you might see on infomercials after 2 a.m.  Our most unusual treat this month was a hair removal kit with a special attachment for “removing unwanted hair from crevices”.  Hmmm.

NOTE:  When surrounded by drunk women laughing hysterically, put DOWN your wineglass.  Red wine shooting out through the nose is a hell I do not wish on anyone.  Not even the cow neighbor around the corner.  Not often anyway.

After the uncontrollable laughter that ensues with the “Goody Bag” unwrapping, we pace ourselves with chocolate and coffee.  As windows are opened and layers are shed, we hot-flash mamas try to regulate our power surges.  And the discussion gets even more lively.  Last night, it was panties.  Thongs, specifically.  And as the wine flowed night went on, I came up with this FABULOUS idea.

THONG DEPENDS!  I mean we already have pantyliners available in thong style, AND you can get them in regular or basic black to match your outfit.  Why not a sexier DEPENDS?

Just because a woman ages and her butt has dimples and she suffers incontinence, does NOT mean that she wants a bunched up Pampers panty line.  I think I’ll name my store “Granny’s Secret” and offer “discreet mailing direct to your door” just like that catheter company with the DISGUSTING “Do you or a loved one have to reuse catheters?” commercial.  I’ve scoured the Victoria’s Secret catalog and feel like I should add patterns like leopard spots and maybe a snakeskin design.

And I think we should have an annual “Fashion Show” with imperfect, forty-plus year old women prancing around in $27 BILLION dollar, diamond-encrusted support bras.  It will have to be that expensive because that 34A bra that “Victoria’s Secret” sells is over a million.  You can’t diamond encrust saggy, granny-boobs with less than a few BILLION bucks worth of jewels.

Thank God Nadia has a kid in Patent Law.  I’ve gotta run with this one!