My friends who live in Wisconsin or the like probably won’t understand this, but I’m a little stressed about spending a month in Moscow in the winter to adopt our Baby Princess. In my corner of the world, even the coldest months’ average temperature is in the 50s. So my gloves are paper thin, my coat is lightweight, my many hats are just for show, and I don’t even own a turtleneck.
My friend shipped me her Land’s End 0 Degree Squall Jacket for our trip (Thanks, Bon!). And I found a great deal on some fabulous Patagonia boots – which I am wearing now with shorts and a tee shirt because they are SO awesome! My Mama has insisted on buying me practical warm-wear for Christmas this year and we went shopping yesterday for my first ever pair of warm undies. Why would I need thermals living here in the balmy south? The fine folks at Academy Sports have some silky soft “long johns” which Mama bought me.
Last night as Prince Charming and I were going through our H U G E bags of flannel-lined khakis and new shirts and sweaters for layering, I slipped on my pink silky underpants. They are so soft that I almost wish I lived somewhere cold so I could wear them all the time. Almost.
I flung an ankle up on the bed for the Prince to feel how cozy my new leggings are and he did, indeed, agree that these were the best thermals ever. Then I walked into the bathroom to see how they looked. I was aghast.
You skinny biatches that haul your cookies to the gym everyday rather than dunking them in milk won’t understand this, but I was shocked, surprised and dismayed that my new cuddlies magnify every crease, roll and dimple on my butt. In horror, I exclaimed, “Oh my Lord. Look at my butt!”
To which my husband announced, “Yeah. I was just about to say something.”
And that is why he needs to be stabbed. But I’ve decided to wait until after the adoption is final. So there.