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TDTL. I had a boss many years ago who used this expression whenever people did insanely, ridiculously stupid things and we would all laugh. I asked him once if that meant we should start killing dumb people. He said that TDTL referred to people who would forget to breathe and die if breathing weren’t an involuntary reflex. I should probably be a little ashamed that we all worked for a United Way agency committed to helping the less fortunate. And the stupid.

My darling Prince Charming surrounds himself with stupid people. He calls them friends. I call them losers. He truly has the worst taste in friends. Ever. Actually, he’s made some friends in the last few years, and these guys are all nice. Clean. Educated. Gainfully employed. Can pass a drug test. . These relationships were made under my direct supervision obviously.

However, he has a handful of “friends” that he has known and loved since their shared childhood and adolescence. Every last one of these losers should be taken out to the lake, strapped into concrete boots and dropped off the dam. It would be cruel to the fish, but oh so much better for society.

First, there’s Tom. He’s in his late 40s, retired from the military and spent the last two years sitting around his house swilling wine. Literally. He fancies himself a stud muffin in the same category as Matt Damon though he has long gray hair and a beer gut. Be fat, drunk and scraggly if you want, but don’t pretend you are God’s gift to women.

About a year ago, he admitted to me that he wanted to get a job at the convenience store across the street from the local high school. Because of the hot chicks.

Hello, 911? Perv alert.

Then there’s Luke. He is a few years younger than Prince Charming, but they grew up in the same neighborhood. The Prince was originally great pals with Luke’s brother Mark, but somehow they became the Three Musketeers Stooges. In the last twelve years, Luke has had two wives, three girlfriends, one mistress, a dozen jobs, one bankruptcy, three months in jail for CDV, and one brief (failed) stint in rehab. And he’s the “normal” one in the family.

I’ve never seen him without either a cigarette or joint in his right hand or a beer can in his left. But then, I have never seen him asleep. He probably doesn’t smoke or drink when he’s unconscious. Probably.

In addition, Luke is probably the most conceited and narcissistic human I’ve ever met.

It’s like the exact opposite of the typical female body dysmorphic disorder where a perfectly attractive girl of average build looks in the mirror and sees a homely, fat chick. Luke staggers in front of a mirror with his nicotine stained teeth and beer bloat and has delusions of hotness. Completely false delusions of hotness.

Lastly, there is Mark. “Stupid Mark.” I never say his name without attaching “Stupid” in the front so as to distinguish between this sorry excuse for a human being and the million other Marks in this world who may not be complete and total losers.

He’s the kind of guy who intentionally had a workman’s comp claim and lost his job to avoid paying alimony or child support. Even years later, I can’t type that without wanting to get a baseball bat and bash his little brain in.

On his best days, “Stupid Mark” is a falling-down drunk with a nasty drug habit. Meth mouth and scabby kind of nasty. I have to buy a box of Cracker Jack for the Spiderman Decoder Ring just to understand two out of every twenty words he speaks. It is easier to understand those talking dogs on YouTube videos.

On his worst days, “Stupid Mark” nestles down for a cozy time amid his imaginary friends (and enemies). He is quite adamant that “they” are spying on him and trying to kill him. His walls are covered with little snippets of scotch tape that he uses to cover up the microscopic cameras that “they” keep installing in his house. The cops know him by name because he regularly gets into shoot outs with his imaginary frenemies. Mmm hmm. “Stupid Mark” has weapons. Be very afraid.

These losers are always calling to borrow money for booze or bail. Or to talk whine about their sad sack sorry lives. I encourage the Prince to cut these losers loose but the man is loyal to a fault.

With a man this loyal, at least I don’t have to worry about him putting me out in the street ala Newt (“til I’m bored do we part”) Gingrich when I get old, gray and fat. I’m surrounded by idiots…and a really nice guy.

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