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I was trying on a sleeveless top this weekend and discovered that I have wings.  Not the hummingbird flying kind of wings.  Not even weird, scary Batman wings.  I’m talking about those old lady, waggly bags of loose skin where I used to have triceps. 

You cannot imagine my disappointment at losing the privilege of wearing sleeveless shirts.  Between the summer heat here in the south where summer lasts 10 months and premature menopause, I am now doomed to matronly blouses.  And by the way, it IS SO premature.  I am a mere child of 44 and am Mama to a first grader so I can’t be as old as my ovaries seem to think I am.

Needless to say, this just will not do.  I immediately started doing 100 pushups a day, but it’s already been three whole days and I don’t see any improvement other than that I don’t start sobbing until after 80 now rather than 3.  Anyway, I feel like I’ve done my part and I want these wings fixed and gone and NOW. 

I know what you’re thinking, “Give it some time.”  Well.  Kiss. My. Ass.  I waited three whole DAYS before posting this so I’m obviously not an impatient, obnoxious Veruca Salt…just a nice middle-aged woman looking to have nice arms again.  OMG.  I just said I was “nice” and “middle-aged”!  Clearly, my evil ovaries have also caused some kind of brain damage and perhaps early-onset Alzheimer’s in addition to premature menopause.  

Since I am an All-American Girl (read: middle-aged rockstar mom drowning in a youth-obsessed country), my next choice to lose the wings is (of course) plastic surgery.  Did you know you can Google “plastic surgery flabby arms” and get almost 6000 results?  Clearly, I’m not alone in my wing anguish.  I could read and study the procedure, but, hey I’m an All-American Girl (read: lazy and technology-obsessed) so I checked out the videos first.

After heaving and gagging through two real videos of liposuction and wing lifts, I decided maybe I’ll keep doing the pushups a little longer.  And THEN I discovered this :

Well, how do you like that?  My husband really is right.  Duct tape DOES fix everything!

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