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When the Princess started private school 2 years ago, the administration assigned new families to someone that can show them the ropes.  It’s always a parent of a child in the same grade as your child, but who has been at the school previously and knows the schedule and routine.  In theory, it’s a fabulous idea.  In practice, it’s like a bad online dating site.  I am a master of sarcasm and have a terrible time trying to hide my eyerolls and disdainful smirks from stupid people.  The school assigned me this perky cheerleader type chick.  Really?  (By the way, if you are the perky cheerleader type, I don’t automatically hate you.  Not much anyway.)  Cheermom and I chatted on the telephone several times over the last two weeks of summer and planned to meet up at the school’s orientation. 

Orientation takes place on a night just prior to the first day of school and there are several hundred families and children there.  It is complete chaos or controlled chaos, depending on your personal tolerance for unruly children and brown-nosing parents.  On the morning of the event, Cheermom phoned me to let me know she would be late and miss the first presentation, but she would be glad to meet me in the “mall” area which is just inside the main entrance. 

And then she said, “You can’t miss us.  We’re BLONDE.  Teehee.”

You’re BLONDE?  I can identify you in a group of 400 because you’re BLONDE?  As in so fucking stupid and obnoxious that it is a physical infirmity?   Not “I’m a midget” or “I’ll be the one in the Spiderman costume.”  Nope.  “We’re BLONDE.”

After I dusted off my jaw which hit the floor, I offered, “Hon, why don’t you be on the lookout for me.  I’m 5’8″ with red hair.”  I told her we could meet in the girls’ classroom.  I didn’t say that I was sure I could manage to find a classroom with the map of the school.  Probably, unlike you on your first day.  Because YOU’RE BLONDE.  Already, I fucking hate this woman and I haven’t laid eyes on her yet.  And I bet our children will become besties and I’ll be saddled with her dumb BLONDE ass for the next 12 years of schooling. 

Flash forward two years.  The girls are friends and do play well together at school and have been in same class for 4K and Kindergarten, but have different teachers this year in First Grade.  Baby Blonde has a birthday that always falls right before the first day of school and always has a pool party at her house.  This year, my Princess WAS NOT INVITED to the annual blonde-a-bration even though every other child in the class was included.  And I am so pissed that you can’t imagine.  Have you watched Animal Planet?  Have you seen the lioness completely eviserate the zebra?  I would totally like to drape Cheermom’s innards from a tree branch as a warning to other rude and hateful bitch mamas, and then feed her rotting carcass to the hyenas.  Honestly, I just want to get a gun and shoot her in the leg.  Really.

Alas, that won’t happen.  So today, I’ll be taking my Princess out for mani/pedis and lunch to celebrate “Meet the Teacher” tonight.  Hopefully, when the Baby Blonde mentions her party, my Princess can allude that she was too busy having a fabulous day with her fabulous Mom to be bothered with such “baby stuff” as a birthday party.

But just you wait.  Deer season is coming soon, and Cheermom lives in the sticks.  There COULD be a hunting accident.  She is BLONDE after all.

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