I cut the tags off my mattress.  You know the tag I’m talking about.  It’s the one that says, “Do NOT remove under penalty of DEATH.”  Or law.  Or something.  Because I’m a rebel like that – OK, not really.  I’ve NEVER removed such a tag in my entire life.  But I AM that girl that somehow manages to get my arm smashed between the mattress and headboard so the damn thing got on my nerves and I snipped it.  Or so I guess.  Honestly, I don’t recall doing it and it’s likely that alcohol was involved.

This fabulously expensive, pillow top mattress is a piece of shit.  Both Prince Charming and I sleep in these precious, cozy nests created by our big butts.  Actually, MY big butt.  My adorable husband has no ass which is a topic we may or may not cover in another post. 

So…every night I fall asleep in this nest which cramps my neck and contorts my back and causes my arm to go numb.  Every morning I awake all chipper (this is a complete lie) but in physical pain due to the crap mattress (this, however, is true).  After suffering for months and only getting decent sleep on the couch – fine for the back, but sucky on the marriage – I decided that we needed a new mattress.  Ideally today.  Preferably right now so I can sneak in a nap. 

I went to the fabulous, local place with appliances and furniture and mattresses because they have THE best service ever.  While there I find the desk that I really DO need to have an organized office rather than the piles of paper heaped under my feet as I play on facebook  work from home.  I’m so thrilled, but it is expensive.  Crazy, ridiculously expensive.  But I know that Prince Charming wants me to have a nice office (He’s said so!) and this one is perfect for me and will be ideal once we rearrange furniture (again) and move the piano (hmmm).   Nonetheless, I’m convinced that I have discovered a way to be happy once and for all if I only had THIS desk, and I’m confident that I can sway Mr. Wonderful into the purchase.  In fact, when I told him about the desk “system”, he was excited for me and (almost) ready to buy.

Perfect!  And then I found “My Dream Mattress”.  Imagine falling asleep on a cloud with lovely angels with their lovely halos strumming their lovely harps.  It’s THAT kind of mattress.  With THAT kind of price tag.  But the fabulous, local place has fabulous, local salespeople who explained that my POS mattress should be covered under warranty.  He will contact the company for me and facilitate a mattress upgrade on my behalf.  YEAH ME!  This day is getting better and better!

All I need to do is come home and call him back with the serial number off the…um…mattress tag.  The missing mattress tag. 

I’m speechless.  And disappointed.  And going to buy it anyway (and, yes, the desk too).  Because I’m a rebel like that.

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